Have Heart

Brokenness is painful.  I know that because I'm experiencing complete brokenness now in my life.  I wanted to write again for the last two days. I tried for hours and my heart was so broken, I couldn't find one happy memory that I had with my brother.

Well that's odd?  I have a lifetime with him but not one would come to my mind. This brought even more sadness.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 

Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  God spoke to me. 

Give Thanks? Okay, easier said than done. I could fake it, but God knows my heart and he knows if I'm not truly being thankful.

I'm reading a couple of books right now. I mentioned the "Have Heart" book in my first post. The second I'm reading is "Heaven is for real" By Todd Burpo and Lynn Vincent.  In this book there is a chapter in which there was many earthly trials and tribulations that had brought great dispare to this family.  Paster Todd Burpo said he began to question God and became frustrated by the challenges that had been presented to his family. In that story he said the Lord quietly said "Look at what my son did for you". I had reached this part of the story as I myself was starting to feel "How unfair is this!"

While we were at Vanderbilt hospital, my family and extended family and some very close friends of our family were studying the Word of God and praying and seeking him.  My Uncle Mark said to us "Jesus died for us, he gave his life so we can have Eternal life with our Father in Heaven, if he never does another thing than that's PLENTY".

I began praying and thanking Jesus for what he did for me and my family. I also apologized for losing faith and not giving my grief to him.

I didn't ask for memories of Jamie, it wasn't the point of my prayer. I did ask him to tell my brother that I love him; but that was all I mentioned of him.

Memories came flooding into my head.

I started laughing and crying out loud in the same breath.

And then I knew which memory of Thankfulness I wanted to share with you in this next post about my brother.  Believe me, there are many more to follow.

I also wanted to take the opportunity to honor my husband Bob Stewart. He has been a rock for not only me but my family. He has also opened his heart to what God has planned for us in our marriage. We are so happy he's truly apart of our family. There isn't a doubt that God brought us together & I am so thankful. 

When Bob and I met, it was truly love at first site. I didn't believe all of that nonsense either, not until I met him.  We both knew we had met our spouse.  For those of you who do not know, we met in San Fransisco at a convention called InMan. It is a convention for real estate professionals.  (That's the 2 second description).

We spent an entire day exploring the area. He showed me everything. We sat down by the water after a lunch of crab legs (my favorite food ever!). We talked all day long and fell in love.

Bob had to leave a day before I did, the last thing he said to me before getting into his cab on that busy street downtown was..."I will marry you Christa Caulk, you are my wife".

Those of you who know my husband know he's very strong and doesn't go back on his word. So marry me he did. We had had a long distance for a year, were engaged for another year and just celebrated our 1 year Anniversary.

Jamie and Bob didn't get off to a great start in their relationship. (told you I'm transparent).  Jamie is very protective of my sister and I; and he wanted Bob to prove himself to him. He knew that I wanted to marry Bob which made him even more protective;  and I know he was just making sure I was going to be taken care of. After a year of not really bothering to know each other, my family was at my parents lakehouse and it was late...really late. 

Bob and Jamie were sitting next to the fire while everyone else had gone to bed. They were there for a couple of hours.

I walked outside to find out what they could have been possibly talking about for that long.

I realized, they weren't talking, they were praying together. 

July 9th 2010 - It is the most important day of my life. The day I married and committed myself the man that God chose to be my partner, best friend and love for all of this life and next.

Walking down the aisle is something that every girl in this world thinks of and plans their entire lives. I was no different. I had planned my wedding for a year (okay for the last 30 really).

The moment had finally come that I would walk down the aisle with my daddy and he would give me away to my husband.

As the moment came when it was my turn, I looked down the beautiful aisle, covered in green trees with pink Hydrangeas. 

I stared at the man that holds my heart, and listened to Jamie's sweet voice as he sang for me.

Jamie also stood up for both of us on that day.  We are both eternally grateful.

I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life.

During the ceremony I made eye contact with Jamie.  The way our venue was situated the wedding party actually looked at us and faced the people at our service rather than have their backs to them.  I took the opportunity to look at every single person that had stood up for Bob and I on that day.  I looked at Jamie. He winked at me, then smiled the biggest most peaceful smile towards me and he mouthed...

"I love you, I am so proud of you".

While we were in Tennessee 2 weeks ago, Bob and I prayed together. We asked God to become the central part of our marriage. It was something we recognized we hadn't done even though we had signed the paperwork and taken our vows. 

I know Jamie saw that prayer.

I also know he sang again, this time though; it was to our Father in Heaven.


 

 

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Comment by Amber Ladley on January 17, 2012 at 8:55pm

Thank you so much for suggesting, "Heaven is for real" By Todd Burpo and Lynn Vincent.  I finished the book on Sunday and when I closed the book I felt as though my heart grew more then I thought it ever could.  After hearing about everything that has happened over the past few months to your family I needed to seek out some answers on WHY?  This book let me know not to feel shameful for questing my faith even Pastors do!  Also it let me get back to the basics and see faith through a childs eyes whom is just like my Coleton.  Through your simple words and book recomedations I have found my faith again and I thank you for this! 

 

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