Have Heart

This blog is Dedicated to my Siblings....Matthew, Andrew & Allyssa.

My brother Jamie was an AVID golfer.  He got it from my grandpa Caulk. He just loved the game to the fullest. And he was really good at it. Well, being the perfectionist that he is, I'm sure he'd tell you he was just "okay" but I watched and played with him enough that he did more than impress me. 

We had a few jokes that came about from my abilities inabilities when it came to the sport. We Caulk's have a severe competitive nature and golf doesn't bring out our best qualities.  That said; we loved to play the game together. Every 4th of July we had our annual golf outing. But throughout each season we would play together as often as we could. 

The terms "gentleman's game" and "etiquette" are pretty much tossed out the window when Caulks step on the course. We never cared, it was family time.  

Jamie quickly coined the phrase "I'm taking a Q" after I would inevitably "Quit" holes. I'd give it about 10 strokes but upon a quadruple bogie (or whatever ten strokes is) who the heck wants to continue that hole? Jamie would graciously give me an "8" to be nice. One afternoon, I was on a "Q" hole and Jamie was finishing up. He came back and looked down and on my score card I had decorated all of the 8's I had accumulated that day and turned them into little drawings of snowmen. I named it "Frosty's Family".  Jamie saved that score card. 

After a few months of the game and practicing I did figure out how to hit the ball and pretty darn good at that. Much of this I attribute to Jamie's undeniable ability to coach the game. Not just that game, but any game. He had unbelievable patience when he was teaching.  The magic trick for me, however, was to only play 9 holes. Anything after 9 and my arms hurt and I ended up frustrated. Golf being such a mental game; I knew after 9 holes my play was completely impaired. So my brother's graciously agreed to....Nine for Christa.  

One time, and One time ONLY....I "almost" beat Jamie on the front nine of one of our favorite courses. I had the best round of my life to date. I had him beat entering the 9th hole and was so excited watching him just reel that his sister was going to beat him.  My head got too big before I played the final hole and I double boogied and BLEW it.  I lost to him by one stroke.  He cheered and sighed a huge sigh of relief but in true Jamie fashion.....He came up and hugged me, told me how proud he was of me and that he was "Damn proud to have a sister that could play with him." 

Nine days from now, this time last year, will be the day that Jamie was involved in a car accident on I65 in Nashville TN.  The accident that 5 days later would end his life here on earth.  

People who have lost someone: a mother, father, grandparent, sibling, will tell you that even though it's been a year the pain doesn't stop.  The reality is in the last few months the pain has gotten worse. The reality of the situation has set in and the sense of "finality" has reared its head. I've often thought I was crazy because of the continual ache in my heart. There is a sadness and void that I live with every day despite my faith in Christ and my belief that Jamie is in Heaven, at home, with Jesus.  I've now accepted the fact that I'm not "crazy". None of us are, we just miss our brother that we loved so deeply. 

I knew Jamie from the day of his birth to the day of his death here on Earth. After twenty seven years, having someone's life so intertwined with yours, it is very difficult to be "okay" with the void after one short year. We were best friends. He was our Middle Man.  I've spent the last few weeks very close to my family. Particularly my other siblings. We've talked, held each other, cried, yelled, even laughed at times. 

Each of us had a different bond with him, a different relationship, all close but all different. So each of us has to learn to live and go on in a different way but; still as a family unit. 

We're having to learn to live life again without one of "us".

Matt, Andrew & Allyssa...

I will forever hold you, love you and be there to comfort you. We must run our race. It's what Jamie wants and until we're called home to Heaven it's what we have to figure out a way to do.  I will support you in doing that with every fiber in my body until the day we are reunited with our brother again. 

Love Your Big Sis

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Comment by steve berger on December 29, 2012 at 11:19pm

A beautiful tribute! God bless your family!

Comment by Christa Noelle Caulk on October 7, 2012 at 2:43pm

Beautiful post from you my beautiful daughter. 

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