I haven't posted here in awhile....months. I told my mom Missy, I would only post when God put something on my heart to write. He has put things on my heart prior to this moment however; the last few months have been.......there are no words to describe them. I write this for the people out there that have experienced what we have.
When the days, weeks and months start to pass you by things become less blurry and start to become more clear. That might sound good in any other circumstance but; when you've lost two sacred people in your life that only means the pain becomes more clear.
I admit, there was a brief time when I would wake up and just simply pretend my brother was still away at college and that he was only in class and that's why I couldn't call him. There were days I had to tell myself that, just to get up and work. That becomes harder as the months go by because you come to a point when you realize that you've never gone that long without speaking to them. During the initial state of shock you're in, it doesn't seem real.
God has blessed me with such a large, amazing family from both of my parents. Beyond my blood relatives he's also blessed me with a huge spiritual family. People that I can always turn to, rely on, talk to and be comforted by. But alas, those people do have their lives too. And one day, you wake up and they all have to go back to their normal life. It's then, you realize your life will never ever be the same.
So it rears it's ugly head.
I know where my brother is and where my gorgeous baby niece are. I know they're in the presence of the Lord surrounded by love and living in paradise.
It still hurts. It hurts so much it drives you to anger. I can't watch movies that have car accidents, I can't look at pictures of people with babies. Please don't mistake me. I don't wish this on anyone and am truly happy for people that are blessed with little ones. However; after losing Lillie Bear, and after watching my sister suffer the greatest loss a mother should never have to face, I don't even care to see it.
I don't question our Heavenly Father. I don't question his plan. We are pre-destined. He knows the day of our birth, and he also knows the day of our death. That I take full comfort in and throw my grief at when it becomes unbearable. Having all the faith in the world, and loving Jesus with your whole heart still doesn't take the human pain away. It doesn't bring them back and it still hurts.
I struggled with that thought for a long time. I thought that being in so much pain meant I wasn't trusting God and trusting that all of this was in HIS plan all along. So the guilt brought anger, the anger brought depletion, the depletion brought back the sadness and thus the cycle started all over again.
God works in mysterious ways. There were moments where I would feel so lost and feel like there was nothing else I could do, that I was going to have to revert to just living my life sad. Moments that I gave up and resorted to the fact that the "happy-go-lucky little me" was lost until Heaven; miraculously God would bring someone.
He brought the right people into my life, at just the perfect time. People that I never knew existed and have somehow managed to comfort me, without even knowing it. They weren't around when this happened so how can they bring so much joy?
Simple: God brought them & I thank him every day for them. Sometimes it was a quick phone call or a funny memory would pop in my head and I would start laughing uncontrollably. I realized quickly I could tell stories about Jamie and Bear and that they were living still through my words. They are apart of me, they are apart of our family and they will live on through us, until were called home.
One day, I got a call to go out with my friends. Something I entirely avoided. Without hesitation I said "Yes".
I still have days when the tears won't stop flowing, but I'm able to pick myself up again. I still have days when I'm angry, but I ask the Lord to take it and then there is a warm peace again. I spent a couple of hours with Jesus the other day. I shut my phone down and cried it all to him. I cried until I laid in a still rest and just listened and let him hold me.
I know that this is my reality. This is the earthly reality that God chose for me. He chose it for a reason. We know our lives are NOT a mistake and nothing is left to chance. Because he chose this for me, I know I can live through it not by own strength, but through him.
One day, not far off when I get to behold that beautiful place where Jamie and Lillian are, when I get to see my Heavenly Father, when I get to run into my brother's arms and pick up my sweet beautiful Bear, I know it will all make sense.
Until then, I lay it at the foot of the cross and ask God to carry me, until his strength can sustain me to walk again on my own.
(The pictures are of the park bench that our friends and community installed in Saline at Mill Pond Park. The top picture is the plaque on the bench, the middle one is the view and the bottom one is the bench. We will be dedicating the bench on August 22nd from 5-8pm.
I spent the afternoon with my mother Missy yesterday, it was so peaceful & is so wonderful to have a place to go for reflection.
God Bless each and everyone of you, just as he so has blessed myself and my family.